I wrote this one night more than 10 years ago but it was almost too painful to post at the time on Boywrite. I am younger and braver than that now - so here goes.

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an imaginary chat on IRC with myself aged 5.


KABOUTER: Hello, Kabby. Let me start by asking you to tell me a little about yourself. Your name, how old you are, what your favorite things are, and stuff like that.

hi i amkabby
im five yearsold an my faverit things are sweetz popeye crismus peterpan
snow books

i hate spankins mirrorswith the Beast in them bad dreams medisin my sistr Nelly an sumtimes ther is somwon under mi bed

i like to play peterpan hide an seek and tag and i like tio jump on the sofaa
and on the bed.and stuf i like to lie on my bed with my legs swinging off but daddyses i mustnt do it BECAOS IT MEKS MITHINGI GO BIG

my favrit coloersare bluean yello

KABOUTER: What class are you in?

I am a yeer ahead of my frinds ho are as old as me
we reed Pippilongstokin at scool but i get into truble becaus i cant roll my rrs


KABOUTER: Why?

becuz istarted scool wheni was four can we stop now?

KABOUTERr: why do you want to?

i need to pee. then we can talk som more do yo want a tree?

KABOUTER: Go and pee Kabby then :)

Im baack. Do yo want a tree? Iv gotlots ofn treesthey ar groing in the tenniscourt iwill dig one up for youits a secritplaze for me thegardeners gointo pull them all out i can put on in a pot for you you can have lots acksuly

KABOUTER: maybe later Kabby, thanks. Can you tell me about the person who is under your bed.

Well hes not ther now... butsumtimes he is ther when i am tryingtoslip and i get scard. I dunno what he looks lik hes just scary somtime i carnt put my legs down to the end of my bed in cas he is ther.hestopz me from slippin.

KABOUTER: did you tell your mom or dad?

No. I musn tell them about scarythins becos it meks them cros.

KABOUTER: where did he come from?

I dunno wher he come from. He isn ther allthe tim and he isn ther cept when im slippn. Can yo count in german i can einz zwie dry fear fumf sex sebben ack noin zen I usd to liv in germeny it was nis. I wish i culd go back to germenyi got a frend thercold Frau Gooder.

She gifs me switz. and ceks, germen keks,she livesin the roof an hasntgot any childrunorfrends ceptfor me.

I get sad somtimes.

KABOUTER: why do you get sad.

I dunno I get scard a lot. none liks me very much. I am not too good reely cos i am not handsum or clever. I talk to much an I am to thin, my bigbroder is beteer but my sistr is a smell. I wish i waos my broder. none picks on him. but i can reed bettr than him.

KABOUTER: do you tell your mummy that you get sad.

No. shes very sad aswel

KABOUTER: And Daddy?

hes a pilotin a bigplan and flyz all day in the sky. sumtimes he flys a long way an dusnt come home until Sunday. my mommy crise


KABOUTER: Don't you have any friends Kabby?

i PLAYWITHRICHARD SUYMTIME with mybrudoer but tey runaway lots of time my dog got run over her nam was sandy shes burit in the orchad.

KABOUTER: Who loves you Kabby?

My nanny aina loves me she mmeks me new close and gives me biskets. an choklat sometimes.

KABOUTER: is she your granny?

haha yo are silly no shes notnt my granny shes a sort of servent I dunno esackly she wos my mummys nanny an she livd in the nursry.

i wish she was my mummy sumtims


KABOUTER I am glad she is nice to you.

I love nanny aina. its my burfday soon. I am havin a ceke. do you want to come to my partie?


KABOUTER: I would love to, you are a very special little boy.

yo donthave to bring me a presssent if you dont want you can sit next to me i will give you my ceke to eat.

KABOUTER: thanks Kabby. Look I have to go now but I will be back. I will come back lots of times OK? I want to talk to you again, I like you.

If you wont to you can maybe we can also go out an play. I will show you the gardin do yo want a tree now?,

KABOUTER: Let's go and look at the trees little Kabby.

OK but I gotto put my shoez and cote on.

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* sigpic - little Kabby aged 5 at his birthday party. I was there as well and he had a GREAT time!